It's different for every new mom, but the pressure to return to your old self, physically, is annoying. Even though your loved ones and friends say otherwise, the unspoken pressure is there. Our culture demands it. I never thought I'd give into it. Well, at least I wanted to not give into it. But, there's no way around it. I have good days where I don't give a crap and then most days I feel frumpy, soft, ugly...nothing fits or looks good on and though everyone says I look great, I just can't believe them.
I created the most beautiful baby boy so why do I even waste my time on this petty BS?! I wonder that myself. Hmmph. Maybe if I was a more robust woman to begin with, then I wouldn't notice or feel that judgement from others. But, it's super hard to have been someone who has worked hard her entire life to be an athlete and be in shape. I feel like I'm a teenager/early 20's again. That's when I used to care, too. But the deeper I got into my yoga practice, the more I learned to let go of all that stuff. And then the last 2 years or so have been even better it seems, because I found love and learned to live life even more true and not be so strict about my practice, my diet, etc. And I got pregnant! Just when it all came together and I didn't quite think about those things anymore.
I was so excited to get pregnant. And going in, I had all these thoughts of the type of pregnant yogini woman I would be. Yeah, that didn't happen. Life doesn't work that way. You can't predict or force how it all turns out. I was super nauseated and tired for 2 months. I couldn't teach as much, I couldn't hardly practice, and all I wanted to eat were carbs. So, the weight started piling on. You couldn't necessarily tell because it was discreet (adding slowly to my hips and thighs before my belly). But, by half way through the pregnancy, I had already gained upward 20 pounds and I still had a long way to go. I remember doing the Shiva Rea prenatal dvd and she had said in the beginning that she gained 50 pounds during a pregnancy, and you just have to do what feels right to you. You see, that's just it. I was doing that! I was hungry for crying out loud! It was winter and I was too tired and cold to drudge out in the snow for exercise. All I did was yoga, which slowly tapered as it went on to be more and more gentle. I felt strong, though. As I knew my strength in certain muscle groups was diminishing, I also knew that my baby was strong and I had that foundation there. I stopped caring at some point because my midwife told me not too and that my weight gain was fine. And with the huge belly by the end, it all sort of works out proportionally.
And you all know my birth story (read the previous blog post). I had an amazing all natural birth. The nurses kept raving about how strong my baby's heart was the entire labor. And how strong I was. So, why do I care now that I carry all this extra weight postpartum? It will come off at some point...
I guess because I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. At least when Isak was still inside of me, it was me, just with him in there, too. Now, it's me with a lot of extra baggage! You see, I gained 50 pounds. Yes, my boobs are bigger now, but my belly, thighs, hips, booty are all bigger too. Ha! When I practice yoga now, I still feel like my old self in many ways. I have the flexibility in most poses and my underlying strength is still there. But just as it took me 9 months to pile all the weight on, it's probably going to take the same to get it off! And it's going to take time to rebuild my practice. Headstand? Crow? Side plank? Yeah, I'll meet you again. In fact, I'll probably be a better teacher because of all this. I have to re-learn many things and now I can relate to beginners even more. When I get back to teaching in a few months, I know I'll be grateful for the whole experience.
So, new mamas out there, try not to hold yourself up to the standards of our society and other people around you. I'm trying to do the same. Who cares if so and so in Hollywood is back in a bikini after 3 months. I have a real, healthy body with no extra help around. I have to figure out life with this new creature on my own (with my husband of course, who fantastically thinks I'm beautiful any which way), find time to work out, cook healthy meals, sleep, and just function. Just yesterday I was dreading the summer and having to put on a bathing suit or shorts. But, let me take all my new cellulite, my soft belly with the dark line down the middle, my wide hips, my no longer sculpted arms and bring it! It's the question of our time...what defines beauty? Well, maybe it's a woman on the verge of turning 30 who usually embraces all sorts of bodies, and who now, after giving birth, must learn to embrace her own again.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
My Birthing Experience
Three weeks ago today I gave birth to my strong baby boy. Time has already flown and I've decided to document the happenings of that magical day as requested by friends/family, as well as for my own sake. So here we go:
My 40 week due date was Friday, March 11. I had had the feeling that my baby was to come a little bit early since I had been feeling symptoms of labor for a couple weeks already. And he was pressing so much on my pelvic region with each step I took. As usual, people kept calling or writing to see if I was giving birth yet or if anything was happening. Turns out, my little guy was just extremely punctual and wanted to come exactly on time! After just a couple hours of sleep, early that Friday morning around 1:30 am, I woke to use the toilet and discovered my mucous plug had started releasing. I began feeling surges and crampiness that existed at a regular pattern and so I laid there the rest of that early morning knowing that everything was beginning. I tried to sleep more but those waves of uterine contractions make that a little difficult. Somewhere between 5-6am, my water started releasing. It happened in a couple of gushes within those morning hours. I texted my sister (who has a toddler) and then we ended up talking it all out, which was of such help. Then I called my doula, who wanted me to start timing the surges before we did anything else. And so by 7 or so I woke my husband. I figured he should at least be rested somewhat! I was hungry so I ate some toast and drank some berry juice, but my anxiety about throwing up during labor prevented me from eating much of anything else.
By this point, it's not too hard to simply focus and breathe slowly through each surge. I talked with my mom a few times, alerted my best friends, and just kept going with it. We discovered the surges were only about 3 min. apart but they were less than 1 minute in length, which meant I was in the early stages of labor. By 10:30am or so, they were definitely 1 minute long, so my doula headed our way. I got in the shower to rinse and feel nice and then parked it by my bed with my birthing playlist on. Spent lots of time on my knees over the bed to breathe through each wave. Our doula arrived and helped us keep things light and positive. We eventually decided to try to get out for a walk. It was a gray day with misty rain (very Icelandic) and it felt like just the right kind of day for this baby to want to come out. In my old sweatshirt and sweatpants, uggs, glasses on, and hair in a messy ponytail, we ventured outside. We made it down the block and back which was a success since every couple of minutes I had to stop and hang on to my husband to concentrate and breathe through. Upon coming back in, I tried to eat some avocado on toast and drink more juice and water. We made a plan and decided we'd leave for the hospital in the 2:00 hour.
Getting in the car to leave was strange and hard because I knew that the simple walk from front door to car might take awhile due to the surges. Luckily the ride to Mt. Auburn Hospital is not very long from our house, but the bumps in the road were pretty unpleasant at this point. All in all, I was still in a pretty upbeat mood and just taking it one at a time. We arrived close to 3:00 and went straight up to the delivery floor. They took us to our room and we began to settle in. The nurses and the midwife on call were all very friendly and kind. I settled in so they could do the initial fetal monitoring. After 20 min. or so it came off and I was able to freely move around. My husband put on the ipod and I was soothed throughout the evening with all of my favorite mellow music (Jonsi & Alex, Krisha Das, Mum, Leona Naess, Sigur Ros, Amiina...). For someone with such a strong affinity to her music, this was huge and so important! I also began focusing on all of the things my dear friends who had done this before me had told me. So, I began to drink water between each surge diligently and I tuned into that place that I teach about in my yoga classes. If I didn't know where that place was, I might not have been able to last as long as I did. I am pretty certain of this.
Our doula had me sitting up in kind of like a butterfly pose. I also stood up leaning over the bed, slow danced with my husband, sat on the exercise ball, got in cat/cow on the bed, etc. Since my water had released and my surges were so close together, they did not do an internal exam. We all figured I would push this baby out by evening. Well, once evening came (say between 7-8 pm), things were more or less the same. The midwife on duty was switching and so were the nurses. Our new midwife suggested she do a pelvic internal exam so we can assess the situation better. If only we had done it earlier...
She discovered that his head was very far down but baby was turned on his side and my cervix was still behind the head and I was only about 3 1/2 cm dilated! Imagine the mental state this put me in. I had already worked so hard for so many hours with a positive attitude through the most intense physical feelings I had ever felt and so to hear I had a long way to go was devastating.
I saw glimpses of negativity in my mind and had moments of wanting to breakdown and sob or give up. But, who are we kidding...I am a strong, healthy, brilliant woman that couldn't wait to finally hold this baby! And even when it got harder than anything else I have ever experienced, I knew that staying focused and calm was the only way to make it through. Crying or causing stress in my body would only make it worse (thank you hypnobirthing and yoga for installing this in my brain).
So what did we do? The midwife was so awesome at this point. She just took control and was with me for the rest of the time. She knew I had to get on my side to try to turn my baby's head, so I got on my left side in bed for 30 min. then switched to the right side for 30 min. She would massage my low back for me and my husband was at my front so I could grab onto him when I needed. At this point I was beyond exhausted and quite delirious. I just remember that I kept saying, "Help me. Can you help me? Please?" Yet I knew full well that I was the only one who could help me. Haha. This hour was by far the hardest work I had to do yet. For some reason being in that position made the surges even more intense (maybe because it was working to get my baby to turn his head). After that hour, I decided I would take up the midwife's suggestion to move to the bathtub. She got the water nice and warm and we made our way to the tub. How lucky we were to have such a nice hospital with all the amenities and such supportive people around. Once in the tub, just when I thought the surges couldn't get any stronger...boy was I wrong. Now, this, was the hardest work yet! My husband poured water over my belly while I held on tight to the sides of the tub as each surge presented itself. By now I was definitely vocal with each exhale (not screaming by any means, but sort of releasing a moan/om/song) and going deep, deep within to make it all work. Wow, it was powerful. After at least a half hour in the tub, I suddenly felt the urge that my body wanted to push! What a crazy feeling! I said so, and the midwife sort of got in the tub to feel for the head. Sure enough, she thought I was ready, so we all helped me out of the tub and I made my way back to the bed. She did a quick internal exam and I was 9 1/2 cm dilated! Woohoo! It was around 10:45pm or so. I got in more cat/cow to finish the work of dilating. When it was time to start pushing, they got me back on my side, where I stayed for a good 20 min. or so with the initial onset of pushing.
This point of the labor was so surreal and beyond describing. All I can say is that your body certainly takes over and you cannot control it. It is ready to push and so you do! (And yes, it really does feel a lot like you have to take the biggest crap of your life...ha! Except, you're about to birth your greatest creation in life!) After that first part of pushing, the midwife told me I could switch positions to speed things up, so I was all about that. I got into a sort of laying down squat. The nurse had one foot and my husband had the other. This is where more of the hardest work came. Whoa. I haven't eaten for almost 24 hours or slept, I am sweating, a bit out of my head, and just want this all to be over and holding my baby! So, I pushed. Something divine and other than myself took over. I thought of all the other women who had done this before me. I thought of other things that took strength in life and nothing seemed to compare to this. I knew that I was completely capable. By 11:50, they were telling me the baby could be born that day or on the 12th. My body needed to take it's time by that point. I was pushing for about an hour then and I also didn't want to tear. There was no forcing anything. It was simply my baby and I working together now for the best possible moment.
At 12:22 am, on Saturday, March 12th, my boy emerged from my womb and his dad placed him right up on my belly. The three of us were in complete awe of it all. We got to spend a good amount of time like this and Isak latched to feed right away. He was born a big boy (they measured him at 9 lbs 2 oz, but there might have been some scale issues). Needless to say he's a healthy, hungry guy and was back up to 9 lbs 4 oz at 2 weeks! And I made it out with just 1 stitch and some soreness...go yoga!
There ya have it. Yes, I did it completely natural and for over 20 hours. It was well worth feeling every single surge. But that was how it was supposed to be for me. It may not be anything close to the next woman in that very room. The main thing is that I have joined motherhood now. And that it's all true how mothers feel. Instant worry for this creation of yours, instant emotional connection to all of life, instant love. Just when you think you know all that love is, more of it rushes in.
My 40 week due date was Friday, March 11. I had had the feeling that my baby was to come a little bit early since I had been feeling symptoms of labor for a couple weeks already. And he was pressing so much on my pelvic region with each step I took. As usual, people kept calling or writing to see if I was giving birth yet or if anything was happening. Turns out, my little guy was just extremely punctual and wanted to come exactly on time! After just a couple hours of sleep, early that Friday morning around 1:30 am, I woke to use the toilet and discovered my mucous plug had started releasing. I began feeling surges and crampiness that existed at a regular pattern and so I laid there the rest of that early morning knowing that everything was beginning. I tried to sleep more but those waves of uterine contractions make that a little difficult. Somewhere between 5-6am, my water started releasing. It happened in a couple of gushes within those morning hours. I texted my sister (who has a toddler) and then we ended up talking it all out, which was of such help. Then I called my doula, who wanted me to start timing the surges before we did anything else. And so by 7 or so I woke my husband. I figured he should at least be rested somewhat! I was hungry so I ate some toast and drank some berry juice, but my anxiety about throwing up during labor prevented me from eating much of anything else.
By this point, it's not too hard to simply focus and breathe slowly through each surge. I talked with my mom a few times, alerted my best friends, and just kept going with it. We discovered the surges were only about 3 min. apart but they were less than 1 minute in length, which meant I was in the early stages of labor. By 10:30am or so, they were definitely 1 minute long, so my doula headed our way. I got in the shower to rinse and feel nice and then parked it by my bed with my birthing playlist on. Spent lots of time on my knees over the bed to breathe through each wave. Our doula arrived and helped us keep things light and positive. We eventually decided to try to get out for a walk. It was a gray day with misty rain (very Icelandic) and it felt like just the right kind of day for this baby to want to come out. In my old sweatshirt and sweatpants, uggs, glasses on, and hair in a messy ponytail, we ventured outside. We made it down the block and back which was a success since every couple of minutes I had to stop and hang on to my husband to concentrate and breathe through. Upon coming back in, I tried to eat some avocado on toast and drink more juice and water. We made a plan and decided we'd leave for the hospital in the 2:00 hour.
Getting in the car to leave was strange and hard because I knew that the simple walk from front door to car might take awhile due to the surges. Luckily the ride to Mt. Auburn Hospital is not very long from our house, but the bumps in the road were pretty unpleasant at this point. All in all, I was still in a pretty upbeat mood and just taking it one at a time. We arrived close to 3:00 and went straight up to the delivery floor. They took us to our room and we began to settle in. The nurses and the midwife on call were all very friendly and kind. I settled in so they could do the initial fetal monitoring. After 20 min. or so it came off and I was able to freely move around. My husband put on the ipod and I was soothed throughout the evening with all of my favorite mellow music (Jonsi & Alex, Krisha Das, Mum, Leona Naess, Sigur Ros, Amiina...). For someone with such a strong affinity to her music, this was huge and so important! I also began focusing on all of the things my dear friends who had done this before me had told me. So, I began to drink water between each surge diligently and I tuned into that place that I teach about in my yoga classes. If I didn't know where that place was, I might not have been able to last as long as I did. I am pretty certain of this.
Our doula had me sitting up in kind of like a butterfly pose. I also stood up leaning over the bed, slow danced with my husband, sat on the exercise ball, got in cat/cow on the bed, etc. Since my water had released and my surges were so close together, they did not do an internal exam. We all figured I would push this baby out by evening. Well, once evening came (say between 7-8 pm), things were more or less the same. The midwife on duty was switching and so were the nurses. Our new midwife suggested she do a pelvic internal exam so we can assess the situation better. If only we had done it earlier...
She discovered that his head was very far down but baby was turned on his side and my cervix was still behind the head and I was only about 3 1/2 cm dilated! Imagine the mental state this put me in. I had already worked so hard for so many hours with a positive attitude through the most intense physical feelings I had ever felt and so to hear I had a long way to go was devastating.
I saw glimpses of negativity in my mind and had moments of wanting to breakdown and sob or give up. But, who are we kidding...I am a strong, healthy, brilliant woman that couldn't wait to finally hold this baby! And even when it got harder than anything else I have ever experienced, I knew that staying focused and calm was the only way to make it through. Crying or causing stress in my body would only make it worse (thank you hypnobirthing and yoga for installing this in my brain).
So what did we do? The midwife was so awesome at this point. She just took control and was with me for the rest of the time. She knew I had to get on my side to try to turn my baby's head, so I got on my left side in bed for 30 min. then switched to the right side for 30 min. She would massage my low back for me and my husband was at my front so I could grab onto him when I needed. At this point I was beyond exhausted and quite delirious. I just remember that I kept saying, "Help me. Can you help me? Please?" Yet I knew full well that I was the only one who could help me. Haha. This hour was by far the hardest work I had to do yet. For some reason being in that position made the surges even more intense (maybe because it was working to get my baby to turn his head). After that hour, I decided I would take up the midwife's suggestion to move to the bathtub. She got the water nice and warm and we made our way to the tub. How lucky we were to have such a nice hospital with all the amenities and such supportive people around. Once in the tub, just when I thought the surges couldn't get any stronger...boy was I wrong. Now, this, was the hardest work yet! My husband poured water over my belly while I held on tight to the sides of the tub as each surge presented itself. By now I was definitely vocal with each exhale (not screaming by any means, but sort of releasing a moan/om/song) and going deep, deep within to make it all work. Wow, it was powerful. After at least a half hour in the tub, I suddenly felt the urge that my body wanted to push! What a crazy feeling! I said so, and the midwife sort of got in the tub to feel for the head. Sure enough, she thought I was ready, so we all helped me out of the tub and I made my way back to the bed. She did a quick internal exam and I was 9 1/2 cm dilated! Woohoo! It was around 10:45pm or so. I got in more cat/cow to finish the work of dilating. When it was time to start pushing, they got me back on my side, where I stayed for a good 20 min. or so with the initial onset of pushing.
This point of the labor was so surreal and beyond describing. All I can say is that your body certainly takes over and you cannot control it. It is ready to push and so you do! (And yes, it really does feel a lot like you have to take the biggest crap of your life...ha! Except, you're about to birth your greatest creation in life!) After that first part of pushing, the midwife told me I could switch positions to speed things up, so I was all about that. I got into a sort of laying down squat. The nurse had one foot and my husband had the other. This is where more of the hardest work came. Whoa. I haven't eaten for almost 24 hours or slept, I am sweating, a bit out of my head, and just want this all to be over and holding my baby! So, I pushed. Something divine and other than myself took over. I thought of all the other women who had done this before me. I thought of other things that took strength in life and nothing seemed to compare to this. I knew that I was completely capable. By 11:50, they were telling me the baby could be born that day or on the 12th. My body needed to take it's time by that point. I was pushing for about an hour then and I also didn't want to tear. There was no forcing anything. It was simply my baby and I working together now for the best possible moment.
At 12:22 am, on Saturday, March 12th, my boy emerged from my womb and his dad placed him right up on my belly. The three of us were in complete awe of it all. We got to spend a good amount of time like this and Isak latched to feed right away. He was born a big boy (they measured him at 9 lbs 2 oz, but there might have been some scale issues). Needless to say he's a healthy, hungry guy and was back up to 9 lbs 4 oz at 2 weeks! And I made it out with just 1 stitch and some soreness...go yoga!
There ya have it. Yes, I did it completely natural and for over 20 hours. It was well worth feeling every single surge. But that was how it was supposed to be for me. It may not be anything close to the next woman in that very room. The main thing is that I have joined motherhood now. And that it's all true how mothers feel. Instant worry for this creation of yours, instant emotional connection to all of life, instant love. Just when you think you know all that love is, more of it rushes in.
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