At the same time, I reflect on the major transition I've had to forge through this last year. Everyone goes through cycles of having to face unflattering character traits numerous times in a life. Isn't this why we are drawn to practices that move us to become better versions of ourselves? To feed our spirits and live a life that we find both morally/emotionally full and satisfying, with a greater purpose in the world? Part of this post was inspired by my friend and sometimes health coach, Dillan, who recently wrote this about transitions.
Becoming a mom has brought back things I haven't felt since my teen years into my early 20's. Just when I thought I had hit my stride at being the strongest, most confident woman that I can be...bam! I am right back where I was 8-10 years ago in many ways. This last year, I have dealt with many variations of fear (both old and new), jealousy, competitiveness, low self-esteem, anxiety/depression, guilt. All probably due to a combination of things, such as:
hormones, lack of sleep, overwhelming new responsibilities, navigating different "mommy" outlooks/research, navigating pressure from oneself, an ever-changing physical body, trying to maintain a sense of self and what my passions are, getting back to work, losing the closeness of old friendships (friends without babies), trying to do it all, and so on.
I take pretty good care of myself. I exercise, eat well, try to get decent rest, make time for relationships, and space in some "me" time. I've done New Mama Recharge, I've ranted to my mom, sisters, and other mommy friends, and I've cried for all the other new mommy's trying to figure it out, too. And I'm not even a single mom! I have an awesome, pretty hands-on husband/daddy and a supportive (though not local) family. The thing is, my yoga practice continues to be the one and only thing that emotionally keeps me on track. These unflattering traits I mentioned...yeah, they happen. I'm not gonna pretend they don't. But, I notice that if I let too many days go by without giving myself some good yoga time (to be both physical and in touch with my spirit at the same time), then I am more likely to give in to these negative feelings...most recently that of anxiety/depressive qualities. This isn't new. Nope. Already done this many times before in my life. Cycles we live in and surrender to.
What changes it this time around? Well, I have another human being to care for. Even more reason to challenge myself to step on my mat when I only have 15 minutes/ sit in meditation while he plays with his toys/ do asana while prepping dinner/ breathe while in line at the store and he's fussing. He needs that from me, but more importantly, I need that from me. Yoga for Mommy's 101. What do you think? Shall I make it a real class? Hehe. No, seriously though, I do want to start focusing on postnatal yoga and helping busy mamas find their version of yoga.
Stepping back into teaching some of my yoga classes in the last couple of months have been therapeutic and helpful as well. Even though I feel much more scattered about my teaching than before baby, and not as "studied" as many other teachers out there right now; the sense of joy I get from creating a sequence that speaks to others...well, it's priceless for me right now. I do have days where I rush out from home and Isak to go teach, and I haven't planned class all that well. It turns out these have been my "better" classes because I'm not over thinking it. I'm just feeling it. And these are the days I am reminded that I am doing what I love. I remind myself there is plenty of time to continue learning and it doesn't all have to happen right now. I don't have to beat myself up because I've missed the latest workshop in town, or I haven't yet gotten my 500 hours certification, or I haven't yet conquered handstand or some other advanced pose. I show up when I can. I talk about all of the traits I both struggle with and connect with, hoping that if I read passages in class, it will translate for us all. I learn by not knowing the answer sometimes. I flub my words. I pick the wrong playlist. But again, I'm there and I'm doing what I love. And if anything, motherhood has taught me that I am not perfect and neither is my son, but we can live from a place of love in our imperfections and that is probably the best thing we can all live by.
(**Disclaimer--all of this is not to mention the other side of the coin: the variations on extreme love, compassion, gratitude, honesty, forgiveness, and strength I have felt in the last year. This is all just towards myself. Now imagine all of these things going towards my son and husband as well. I think it all outweighs the unflattering stuff, no?) ;)